Welcome to America, I’m Eating Your Pantry! This is the 1st part of a 3 Episode newsletter covering the 2nd stop on my nationwide tour. Preparing for my engagement in McMinnville Oregon, it was brewing in the back of my mind (and I’m sure yours as well) that my Pantry tour to Yakima, Walla Walla, and Zillah, Washington could be a very tough act to follow. Oatmeal Masala, Muddy Chai, & Cherry Pop Pie set the standard for a high power Pantry performance. But blazing up with the frying pans and crock-pots on full tilt, this Pantry soldier will stay the course! Preparing for Pantry’s first tour date out of state, I gathered up my Pantry literature and business cards- set to be a solid showman for Pantry.
That was then, however, and at the time of writing this several months later, I can only wonder what went wrong with Pantry in Oregon. The steely will and military determination that most associate with Pantry has since crumbled into undocumented midnight eating binges featuring Butterfingers, milkshakes, and fried whatever. Photos taken on the McMinnville trip reveal themselves to be more likely items of evidence than Pantry promotionals. I will not sweep this incident under the rug. I must face it head on if I am to grow. So here goes.
It started with a morning train ride from Seattle heading south.
I’ve ridden this line several times in the past, but this is the first time I’ve boarded one of Amtrak’s stately superliners. Most routes between Washington and Oregon (and up to Vancouver BC) run the rails with a somewhat cramped Spanish commuter train, so I was excited for the double-decker cars and leg space outrageously huge even for me. But while it didn’t resemble a Spanish train, it did resemble a Spanish bar.
The observation deck windows were lined with empty bottles; kinda like the proud displays on college dorm windows when the drinking age was 19 back in Ohio. And yes, where there’s smoke, there’s fire- and people were just plain lit. A few so much so that they would stumble all around the moving train, looking for people they could talk to whom wouldn’t talk back. It was a drunk’s wet dream, open container in a public place with captive people. As a reader, you must be wondering what it was like for the people who weren’t drinking. I just described what it was like for me, but I didn’t really find anyone else sober with whom to commiserate. Even the happy granny sitting next to me had a few highballs to pass away the hours. I’m sure it would have been illegal for me to bring my lone bottle of wine from my Pantry. Yet another example of the pervasive Pantry prejudice instituted into our system.
When I arrived in Salem en route to McMinnville, my friend Daniel Boone was there waiting to pick me up.
But we quickly found ourselves in a bind. The bridge leading back to McMinnville was closed with some suffering soul standing at its edge threatening suicide. Danny called his wife Jackie to try to think out another route home. We didn’t want to start off the visit with a deep level downer like this.
Daniel and Jackie came up with a plan to venture south to a small ferry, adding 45 minutes to our drive. So we headed in that direction only to find another line up of cars, this one even longer than for the jumper in Salem. Curious if suicide had become absolutely rampant that day in Oregon, we hailed down a nearby motorist and Danny got the lowdown.
The woman in the car told Daniel that a few hours back, a lightning storm blew out the power in the area, and apparently… this was an electric ferry we were waiting for? That didn’t make much sense to me, but regardless, we either had to wait it out till the power returned, or find yet another plan. What made the lineup for this electric ferry even worse were the many folks, who like us, were avoiding the suicide bridge in Salem.
Stay tuned next week for Episode 2, where Matt Sugars & Daniel Boone make their way back to McMinnville, and head out to the local country bar with wife Jackie for Karaoke singing, grilled cheese, and a hot fudge sundae!
Last chance for shipping in time for Christmas! Eat Your Pantry Web Outlet Store
6 comments:
Mr. Sugars,
McMinnville wants to apologize for the Lost Pantry. We had recently moved and so ate up our pantry before we moved (in a way, emulating you) and so had a very small pantry built up for your visit. But we hope to continue to learn how to eat our pantry.
Daniel Boone
Daniel,
Nothing to be sorry about. I take full blame for entering into a decadent summer now known to myself as "Pantry Lost". As a Pantry consultant, it is my duty to roll into any Pantry situation possible, and use my resourcefulness and training to cook enjoyable and unique foods. Your Pantry was difficult, but none more so than the Vegemite and Coconut Sport I endured during my Pantry awakening. I'm sorry that I let you and Jackie down in the stated purpose of being an inspiring Pantry teacher.
Mr. Sugars, was the man threatening suicide a reader of the news letter?? Next time your east of yakima stop in I have a jar of sam & ella mayo you can have. lol
Dear Anonymous,
I know you are curious about the fate of the jumper, so to address your question- I just don't know a thing about him honestly. His name, his reasons, if he actually did it or not, let alone if he is a reader of this newsletter. If he does read Pantry, then he is still with us, which would be a blessing. Pantry usually doesn't cover such topics, but getting out on the road presents one with this type of life situation. My best wishes for the Salem bridge man.
And thank you for your invitation to come to wherever you are to eat your Pantry. I accept this invitation, but need more specific directions than "east of Yakima." It sounds like you have some kind of special mayo, perhaps homemade to a family recipe. I must warn you in advance, however, that mayo is my most hated variety of food. Let me share with you something I just wrote to my family, making previsions for when my time is come. I plan to have the following inscribed on my tombstone (no, this is not a joke)-
All my life I ordered food without mayonnaise.
All my life food came anyways with mayonnaise.
In the afterlife, please, HOLD THE MAYO!
Dear Mr. Sugars,
It is my understanding that it is perfectly fine to bring your own food and drink onto a train. Of course the last time I rode one was pre-9/11, so I could be wrong.
At that time most of my meals on the 3 or 4 day train ride between Denver and Seattle were salami, cheese, and bread with a trusty bottle of wine. This picnic was purcahsed before the trip and made it fine and affordable.
Thanks for speaking the truth,
-John
John,
You are correct; you can still bring food and beverages on train rides. This is a good thing. But you cannot bring on your own alcoholic beverages, which is a clear double standard. From what I saw on that train, public intoxication is not a concern of Amtrak, only lost revenue of alcohol sales.
From what I understand on the smaller commuter trains I typically take, they do serve alcohol in the dining car, but otherwise drinking at you seat is restricted. Has anybody else out there been on a train were everybody was loaded?
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