Wrapping up from last week, Daniel Boone and I were stuck somewhere outside of Salem, Oregon - trapped on the wrong side of a river because of a suicide threat on the bridge out of town, and because a lightning storm blasted out an electric ferry further south. Daniel somehow figured out another route that didn’t cross any water (???), and within another hour we were finally at the home of Danny and Jackie.
I was too pooped to even get a look at the Boone’s Pantry when I first arrived, and somehow Pantry didn’t seem to be on the evening’s agenda. Jackie’s mom was a bartender at the local karaoke country bar, so we geared up for the evening out. Once we got to the bar, we hadn’t sat down for more than a minute before the menus were out and we were ordering. Might as well let the evening go and enjoy. I ended the Yakima Pantry tour with ice cream, so I figured I’d do the same in reverse here and start up right quick with a hot fudge sundae and grilled cheese sandwich. I asked for the sundae and sandwich to come separately and later on in the evening. My name was in the hat to sing a song, and I didn’t want both items to arrive while singing. But just as my name was called to sing “Backdoor Man” by The Doors, both items - sure enough - hit our table. After my 5-minute song, I had to tear through the tepid grilled cheese sandwich just to eat the sundae before it would totally melt to slop. But it was already too late; by the end of my set it was sugar soup. Two minutes and eight dollars later, I felt like a sick, played bastard. But the folly only augmented this non-Pantry night at that crazy country bar.
Our next day with the Boones started with a mission. It was the day before Father’s day, and Daniel was trying to figure out what to get his dad. He had seen a pair of Oregon State thongs (his father’s alma matter) at the local Fred Meyer.
But he didn’t feel like the thongs alone were enough of a gift. Somehow the idea came up to turn this gift into a theme, so next we picked up some tongs-
And finally we found a thong to complete the Father’s day gift appropriately.
After that, we met up with Jackie and headed downtown. We were getting hungry, and a place stuck out to us…
Call us suckers for low-tech Elvis ads, but if he was “here,” we sure as hell had to be “there.” Elvis turned out to be a small monkey living within the greenish murk of a windowed cage far too depressing to photograph, but I enjoyed my gardenburger, onion rings, and shake. Jackie took on some kind of insane hot dog with all kinds of crap on it. You know what they say- ‘when at Alfs…’
Jackie then suggested a visit to the local hookah bar. Not yet another sin against Pantry eating anyway, so I figured why not?
I didn’t quite know what I was doing, but the flavored tobaccos seemed pleasant enough. But somehow I didn’t think I was getting enough of a draw…
But Jackie took control and got the bowl cooking…
Now with a healthy mint and lemon-scented cloud in the air, we were able to relax, enjoy, and catch up a bit.
But after the shisha was all smoked up, it left us craving - - - more ice cream.
It was my very first visit to the Coldstone Creamery. I had their largest offering titled “I Can’t Believe I’m Eating This” or something like that. When I dropped 2 quarters in the tip jar, the poor kids working there sang some dumb song thanking me for the tip. Did they really want to sing me to me? I can just see the guys from Corporate in Chicago coming up with an evil idea like this. I hope karma is real. For what these big wig pimps of over-priced sugar death food get paid, seems like they should have to streak down Times Square while singing a medley of “Feelings,” “We Built This City,” and “Susudio” (in falsetto) for adequate payback.
Yet lost far out in the Coldstone Sea without a lifeboat, I had a moment of clarity remembering how sane my world was back in the land of Pantry. Too late for this trip though, I was lost within the walls of the sugar side.
Stay tuned next week for Episode 3, where Matt Sugars, Daniel Boone & Jackie head out to the country bar once more, and finally after a night of drinking (for Jackie) make their way into the Boone’s pantry!
Don't miss the special holiday Pantry event this Sunday, the 18th!
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